Helping a young child after someone dies: a gentle guide

If you are reading this because someone your child loves has died, we are so sorry. There is no perfect way to do this, and you do not need to get everything right. What children need most is honesty, love, and someone who will keep talking with them.

This guide shares what child bereavement charities recommend. It is not a replacement for their support, and we have listed where to find it at the end.

Use the real words

It is natural to want to soften it, but young children take words literally. "Gone to sleep" can make them frightened of sleeping. "Lost" can make them think the person can be found. Charities advise using the words "died" and "dead", gently, and explaining what they mean: their body has stopped working, and they cannot come back.

Tell them it was not their fault

Young children sometimes believe that something they did, said or thought caused the death. Say clearly, and more than once, that nothing they did made it happen.

Every feeling is allowed

Children may be sad, angry, worried, or seem not to care at all, and then switch to playing a moment later. This is normal. Children grieve in bursts. Let them know that all of their feelings are allowed, including the cross ones.

Keep remembering together

• Look at photos and tell stories about the person.
• Make a memory box or a memory jar of things that remind you of them.
• Keep their name in everyday conversation.
• Let your child know that being happy again is not forgetting.

A story can help

Stories give children a safe, gentle place for big feelings. I’ll See You in Your Dreams is a rhyming bedtime book in which the mum, dad or grandparent they miss visits in their dreams, with stories of a paper boat on a sea of stars and a town on the moon. It does not explain death, so it works best alongside honest conversations like the ones above. Every book is checked by hand before it is sent.

Where to find support

• Child Bereavement UK: support for families and children, with a helpline.
• Winston’s Wish: support for bereaved children and young people, with a free helpline.
• Your GP or health visitor, who can point you to local services.